My recent excursion to Birmingham, Alabama.

     This is yet another grief-related reflection. As per the previous post, it remains unedited in the section written during the stream of consciousness induced word vomit. Forgive the issues. This one does have a joke in it, so it's okay to laugh!

    Once again it appears that grief rears her head. Basically every time I am left in the dark alone with my thoughts, after a weekend filled with blessings. Yesterday my godbrother, Philip, was ordained to the diaconate. It was a blessing to be present, although our travel plans got rearranged. I once again sit alone in the backseat of my brother's car. I think about how this is a milestone my mom should've been here for. A flight turned road trip we could've shared. Our last minute plan changes to drive after delayed flights, reminded my brothers and I of our stubborn resilience and determination. We called our mother's godmother, Theia Antonia, about our last minute plan change, to which she laughed and responded "you guys really are your parents' children. I guess I can't change your mind so be safe". We made it to Birmingham 2 hours before we needed to be at church. Otherwise the weekend went off without a hitch. It's only when we begin our return trip that I think about how much I miss mom. How much I feel betrayed; a gaping hole in my chest, a pit in my stomach, a shrill ringing in my ears, and the knife in my back. I know that I feel these pains because of all the love my mother left me. Grief is simply love with no where to go, that's why it feels so empty. I try to funnel my grief into things that are productive, but sometimes I simply feel like I'm drowning. Or like the highways in Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama: full of holes and in desperate need of repair. 

    I wrote this on the drive home from Birmingham while sitting in the back of the car, going over so, so, so many potholes, the last line of this reflection came from a bout of distress from hitting a pothole and bumping my head. Frankly I was pissed, how dare this terrible infrastructure interrupt my real sad girl hours and word vomit into my phone notes app? I'm trying to be sad and broody don't mess it up! But surely the bonking of my head in my brother's short car broke me out of my trance and I laughed and I decided to call it a night on the thinking aspect of sitting in the backseat. I turned on a movie instead and I watched "O Brother Where Art Thou" for probably the millionth time. It is the best re-telling of "The Odyssey" and I refuse to hear any opinions to the contrary, I mean the soundtrack alone should convince you that I'm right.