Skip to main content

A reflection from october

     I wrote this while I was flying home from a conference. I have left it mostly unedited as I think it's important that the raw emotions come out. I only took people's names out to protect their privacy as well as my own. 

    Grief is a strange mistress. As I depart from Atlanta after a blessed weekend getting to be around so many other wonderful people I began to reflect on the conversations I had and the people I met. So much joy and laughter, some free drinks and fellowship over dinner. Yet with all that joy my departure which started out welcome at the insistence of my very tired body and mind, in a strange twist of fate turned to sorrow. I began to think about this time last year I got home from this same event ready to tell my mother of all the new people I met and the fun I had waiting out some bad weather at her Godmother's house (no one can say no to Theia especially when I was already so tired). And this year I cannot excitedly tell my mom about the fun I had and the food I ate and the people I met at least not the same way. I met a young man who also lost his mother and he explained to me his complicated feelings about her and her eventual passing. I felt somewhat seen but also incredibly blessed because I knew my feelings about mom were not complicated, at least not for unsavory reasons. The only wound my mom left for me truly feels an awful lot like love; a wound that is still healing, but a wound nonetheless.  I will be the first to admit my walk with God has been at the very least lately, turbulent. This weekend reminded me that all the things I knew to be true since childhood are still true. God is still present and I am still going to stumble and struggle. But Christ's love is renewal. It is healing and it is overflowing. I don't know how much more I will stumble or doubt or do something I feel is irredeemable but I do know that God's love is present in my life. 

    This reflection was the first one I ever showed to anyone after my mom passed. Until now (me posting it to this silly little blog) only two people had seen it (thanks Matt and Mere for letting your phones be the void I screamed into for the time being) I felt terrible writing this one in the moment, because I was literally crying on the plane next to strangers (or rather attempting to and failing, badly, to hold back tears) It felt embarrassing in the moment but I do realized that my neighbors were likely completely unaware as they were both asleep, but I obviously wasn't being super rational in the moment.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Introduction of Sorts

     If you're reading this blog of it's likely you are a friend or acquaintance of mine. Perhaps we've known each other for years, or we've met in passing at events, or you're a regular of mine. Maybe we've never even met and you ended up here by accident. Whatever the case may be, welcome! I'm happy to have you here, feel free to stay as long as you like.      Let's start from the beginning. Well, maybe not the very  beginning. My name is Virginia, but most people call me Ginny. I work as a barista in a local coffee shop which I'm pretty sure I was born to do, seeing as I've been drinking coffee since the tender age of about five years old. If you were to ask my parents they'd probably blame the pot of coffee I spilled on myself as a less-than-two-year-old; I would tend to agree. In 2019 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Ankylosing Spondylitis which is an ongoing challenge I face. I am a proud Texas State University alum, and I...
Post a Comment
Read more

Welp, Its Been A Year.

      Well, it has been a year. No not since I started my blog but rather since the event that inspired this blog to be thrust into existence, the passing of my mom. This blog, like many things, started in the notes app of my phone, and then was migrated into the public sphere, after much debate. As I write this I reflect on the year that I have had since the tragic and untimely demise of my sweet mama.      Since that time, I have:  Attended 4 weddings gone to two concerts been on 4 out of state trips Attended 1 Baptism bought a new car gotten promoted at my job     And by all means these were all great things, and deserve to be celebrated. At times however, these occasions feel empty, or at the very least like they are missing something. And truthfully they are. All of these are milestones for either me, or people close to me, that mom was supposed to be there for, and her presence was very obviously missed. All that aside, I've had a prett...
Post a Comment
Read more